Not many people know this, not even Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, but I was actually going to be their marriage celebrant. In the final minutes leading up to the weekend’s ceremony I lost the job to Trinity Church Pastor Rich Wilkerson Jr.
So now that the ceremony I had planned is never going to be used I thought I’d share it for everyone to see online. Enjoy.
1: Kimye processional
Yeezus to walk himself down the aisle to the song ‘Jesus Walks‘
Kim to take the aisle to ‘All Of The Lights‘
2: Bridal Party
Kanye’s horses to stand next to him on the altar for encouragement
Kim to save some pennies by recycling a previous bridal party
Welcome all of the guests and remind them to put their phones on silent and that the ceremony is an unplugged ceremony but it’d be great if a guest or two could leak a photo online later on.
From the hippest bible, The Voice bible, from Genesis 2
The vow writing was outsourced to news.com.au’s Nick Bond:
Kim: OK, Kanye, so, like, OK, like, so-
Kanye: Kim! Imma let you finish, but Beyonce and Jay Z had some of the best wedding vows of ALL TIME!
Kim: Can I finish? I promise that I will stand by you for the rest of my life, or at least for the next 73 days. Come on, that’s gotta be a record.
I promise to give you plenty more beautiful babies to join North West – East West, South West and yes, even West West. Before long we’ll have a whole GPS of children.
I promise to love you more than all four of my fragrances, which are available now at all good retailers — tell your friends!
Finally, I promise never to turn into my mother … or Bruce Jenner.
Kanye: Kim, what an honour it is … for you to be marrying me. I know marriage ain’t always Yeezy, but I stand here today before the eyes of Yeezus to pledge my love for you.
I promise to make every day of our marriage as good as the Bound 2 video. By that I mean we’ll spend our days riding a stationary motorcycle in front of a green screen, you jiggling topless while straddling me backwards. You down?
I swear I’ll be good, not just to you, but your whole family: Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall, uh … I wanna say Krusty? Is there a Kerri-Anne?
I promise to never, ever, ever let you release another single.
Finally, Kim, I have one more thing to say: I want prenup! I want prenup, YEAH!
Kanye, Kim, if you like it then you should put a ring on it. Don’t be mad once you see that he want it.
Kanye, do you like it? [Yes!] Well put a ring on it.
Kim, do you like it? [Yes!] Well put a ring on it.
Moment of reflection
Your wedding day is a crazy day of preparations, expectations and celebrations, so let’s take a moment to reflect on the past, and the next, 72 days.
Pronounce husband and wife
With the power given to me by the Internet, I can now proudly pronounce you husband and wife, you may now Instagram a selfie.
Signing the marriage certificate
Take a photo of the marriage certificate and Instagram it to prove it’s fo ‘real.
Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together as I present to you Mr and Mrs American Boy.
Ballet dancers in black tutus flood the ceremony area.
Bride and groom walk back down the aisle to ‘Runaway‘
Kimye to depart for photos, everyone else to also take photos. Photos for everyone. Make sure there’s wifi for Instagram.
Don’t do the Gold Digger joke. Family not cool with it.
This is a joke. You know that right?