Not many people know this, not even Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, but I was actually going to be their marriage celebrant. In the final minutes leading up to the weekend’s ceremony I lost the job to Trinity Church Pastor Rich Wilkerson Jr.

So now that the ceremony I had planned is never going to be used I thought I’d share it for everyone to see online. Enjoy.

1: Kimye processional

Yeezus to walk himself down the aisle to the song ‘Jesus Walks

Kanye-Aisle-Song

Kim to take the aisle to ‘All Of The Lights

All-Of-The-Lights

Kim Kardashian's wedding dress

2: Bridal Party

Kanye’s horses to stand next to him on the altar for encouragement

Kanye-Horses

Kim to save some pennies by recycling a previous bridal party

Kim-Kardashian-wedding-party-people-magazine

3. Ceremony

Welcome all of the guests and remind them to put their phones on silent and that the ceremony is an unplugged ceremony but it’d be great if a guest or two could leak a photo online later on.

Opening Reading

From the hippest bible, The Voice bible, from Genesis 2

Now this is the reason a man leaves his record company and his posse, and is united with his wife; and the two become one flesh. In those days the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed and they filmed it.

Vows

The vow writing was outsourced to news.com.au’s Nick Bond:

Kim: OK, Kanye, so, like, OK, like, so-
Kanye: Kim! Imma let you finish, but Beyonce and Jay Z had some of the best wedding vows of ALL TIME!

1361896452_kanyeshrugo

Kim: Can I finish? I promise that I will stand by you for the rest of my life, or at least for the next 73 days. Come on, that’s gotta be a record.

I promise to give you plenty more beautiful babies to join North West – East West, South West and yes, even West West. Before long we’ll have a whole GPS of children.

I promise to love you more than all four of my fragrances, which are available now at all good retailers — tell your friends!

Finally, I promise never to turn into my mother … or Bruce Jenner.

GTY_bruce_jenner_80s_sk_140213_16x9_608

Kanye: Kim, what an honour it is … for you to be marrying me. I know marriage ain’t always Yeezy, but I stand here today before the eyes of Yeezus to pledge my love for you.

I promise to make every day of our marriage as good as the Bound 2 video. By that I mean we’ll spend our days riding a stationary motorcycle in front of a green screen, you jiggling topless while straddling me backwards. You down?

kanye-kim-bound-2-motorbike

I swear I’ll be good, not just to you, but your whole family: Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall, uh … I wanna say Krusty? Is there a Kerri-Anne?
I promise to never, ever, ever let you release another single.

Finally, Kim, I have one more thing to say: I want prenup! I want prenup, YEAH!

Pre-Nupt

Ring exchange

Kanye, Kim, if you like it then you should put a ring on it. Don’t be mad once you see that he want it.

Kanye, do you like it? [Yes!] Well put a ring on it.

Kim, do you like it? [Yes!] Well put a ring on it.

Ring-on-it

Moment of reflection

Your wedding day is a crazy day of preparations, expectations and celebrations, so let’s take a moment to reflect on the past, and the next, 72 days.

Kanye-West-Is-a-Vampire-Which-Explains-Lack-of-Reflection-in-Vogue-Photo-434171-2

Pronounce husband and wife

With the power given to me by the Internet, I can now proudly pronounce you husband and wife, you may now Instagram a selfie.

Signing the marriage certificate

Take a photo of the marriage certificate and Instagram it to prove it’s fo ‘real.

Presentation

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together as I present to you Mr and Mrs American Boy.

Recessional

Ballet dancers in black tutus flood the ceremony area.

Ballet-dancers

Bride and groom walk back down the aisle to ‘Runaway

1361858806_tumblr_m9cbxobosu1qjn9tuo1_400

1361853176_imageandvideohostingbytinypic

Post-Ceremony

Kimye to depart for photos, everyone else to also take photos. Photos for everyone. Make sure there’s wifi for Instagram.

1361859184_tumblr_mg5m19cbsx1qhupdho1_500

Ceremony notes

Don’t do the Gold Digger joke. Family not cool with it.

Gold-Digger

This is a joke. You know that right?

1361858148_tumblr_ls3m13jpkk1qlvxlho1_500