How I Create a Wedding Ceremony

A Darby Hudson quote has been living rent-free in my head lately. The idea that music exists in this special realm where dreams and reality overlap speaks deeply to how I approach wedding ceremonies.

I can have a dream about having a million dollars. But when I wake up, it doesnt exist. But I can have a dream about a song that doesnt exist and I’ve never heard it. And when I wake up I can hum it. Numbers dont work in dreams but music does. And thats all I need to know about everything.

When I think about crafting a ceremony, I don’t see it as following a template or ticking boxes. I see it as composing a piece of music that’s never been heard before – something that captures the unique rhythm of two people’s love story.

And like a song, it’s not just a self-expression, not that of the group of us - the two of you and I. The song is witnessed, enjoyed, and interpreted by others collectively and individually at the same time.

There’s a beat, a rhythm, being laid down. A flow that we jump into, as we breath your marriage to life.

§

Every great song starts with getting to know the artists. For me, that means sitting down with my couples, preferably over a drink or coffee, and just listening. I’m not filling out a form or working through a questionnaire.

I’m trying to catch the beat of their relationship:

• How do they talk about each other?
• What makes them both light up when they talk about being married?
• When do they look at each other instead of at me?
• What’s the cadence and rhythm of how they speak to each other?

These are the notes I’m mentally recording – not just what they say, but how they say it. This becomes the baseline for their ceremony.

Just like every memorable song needs that perfect hook, every ceremony needs a central theme or moment that everything else builds around.

I see the hook being the vows.

They emerge slowly through our conversations and planning. As you walk down the aisle the crescendo is building quietly.

My opening words are verse one.

But your vows are the highlight of the song. It’s why we’re gathered, to speak your marriage into existence.

§

With the baseline and hook established, I start thinking about structure. A ceremony, like a song, needs to flow naturally.

There’s a reason why Luna and Goldie know when to expect the chorus in their favourite songs, even when hearing them for the first time. Good music follows patterns that feel right, even when they’re completely original. The best ceremonies do the same.

Here’s where I break from most celebrants – I don’t read from a script during the ceremony.

This horrifies some people, but I think about it like this: would you ever see Nick Cave reading lyrics from an iPad during a performance? Or John Mayer checking notes between verses?

Instead, I rehearse the ceremony in my mind constantly before the big day. I drive around Tasmania muttering to myself like a madman. I pace hotel rooms in Tuscany the night before running through the flow. I’m not memorising lines – I’m internalising the music of their story.

This means I’m free to feel the room on the day – to extend a moment when we need to breathe, to lighten the mood if tears are flowing too freely, to make eye contact with not just the couple but their loved ones who are all part of this symphony we’re creating together.

§

The beauty of live music is that it’s never exactly the same twice – even when playing the same song. That’s how I approach each ceremony.

I know exactly what needs to happen legally. I know the story I need to tell. We’ll even play a few hits - you’ve gotta give the people what they want. I know the emotional journey we’re going on. But I leave room for those magical improvisations that can only happen in the moment – the spontaneous laugh, the perfectly timed pause, the unexpected emotion that catches everyone (sometimes even me) by surprise.

Every ceremony is a one-time-only live performance that will never be exactly replicated. That’s what makes it special.

And because music is so central to how I think about ceremonies, the actual music choices matter as well as who’s making the music. For the love of God get your wedding entertainment - musician or DJ - to play at your ceremony as well.

Sometimes the most meaningful ceremony moments happen without any words at all – just the perfect song at the perfect moment while we all just feel something together.

§

When it all comes together – when the words and music and emotions all blend into something greater than the sum of its parts – that’s when I know we’ve created something special. Something that, like the song in Hudson’s dream, didn’t exist before but now feels like it was always meant to be.

And unlike having a dream about a million dollars, the ceremony we create together is something that doesn’t disappear when the day is over. It becomes part of the soundtrack of a marriage – something to be remembered, reflected on, and maybe even hummed along to for years to come.

Because at the end of the day, a great ceremony, like a great song, should make you feel something. And that’s all I need to know about everything.