Can we exchange vows personally, outside of the ceremony?

There’s a bit of a growing trend I’ve been noticing among couples lately – the desire to exchange personal vows outside of the ceremony, in private.

Just the two of them, no audience, no celebrant, no pressure. I get it, weddings can be weird, awkward, stressful.

And look, I’ll always honour your wishes.

It’s your wedding day, and ultimately I’m there to create exactly what you want, for you, no-one else. But as someone who’s married thousands of couples, I think it’s worth unpacking this trend a little so we can treat the roots of the issue, not the leaves.

I wonder whether this is a thing because some other wedding celebrants made something beautiful - the ceremony - weird.

The way I view a wedding is that the vows are the centrepiece, the tentpole, of any marriage ceremony. Not just because they’re beautiful and meaningful, but because legally speaking, the vows are the thing that actually make you married. Not the paperwork, not the rings, not me saying “I now pronounce you…” – it’s you two exchanging vows that creates the marriage.

When you both say, “I call upon the persons here present to witness that I, [full name], take thee, [full name], to be my lawful wedded wife/husband/spouse” (or words to that effect), you are married according to Australian law. That’s the moment. That’s the magic.

So when couples want to remove personal vows from the ceremony, I find myself wondering: what are we actually doing in the ceremony then? It becomes a bit like a bread-less sandwich or a Virgin Cuba Libre (shout out to Sheldon Cooper).

Of course, we can absolutely do a ceremony without personal vows – you can exchange the legal vows during the ceremony and save your personal promises for a private moment. But I gently ask: why are you having a marriage ceremony if not to get married in it, fully and completely?

I suspect that for many couples, this trend stems from previous experiences or perceptions. Perhaps you’ve seen ceremonies where the celebrant had the couple awkwardly facing the crowd instead of each other. Or maybe someone has made you feel like exchanging vows is “public speaking” – it’s not, by any definition. You’re exchanging vows with and to each other, looking at each other. Yes, your guests are witnessing it, but that’s why they’re there – to witness and celebrate your commitment.

I see my role as your celebrant as making you feel comfortable enough to exchange personal vows in a way that feels intimate, even with an audience. It’s about creating a bubble where, despite being surrounded by loved ones, it feels like just the two of you in that moment.

Rather than removing this powerful element from the ceremony, let’s examine what’s making you uncomfortable about exchanging vows and address that instead.

After all, there’s something profoundly beautiful about declaring your love and commitment not just to each other, but in front of the community that will support your marriage for years to come. It’s not just a legal requirement – it’s a powerful statement about the public nature of your commitment.

But again – it’s your day. We’ll create something beautiful regardless. I just wanted to offer some food for thought before you decide to take the heart out of the ceremony and save it for later.

If You Do Choose Private Vows: Making Both Moments Special

If after considering all this, you still prefer to keep your personal vows private, here’s how we can make both moments—the ceremony and your private exchange—truly special:

Ideas for Your Ceremony

1. Ring warming – Have your rings passed among guests who can hold them briefly while silently offering wishes for your marriage
2. Symbolic ritual – Unity candles, sand ceremonies, handfasting, or something unique to your relationship - only if you find meaning in these rituals
3. Readings and music – Emphasis on meaningful texts and songs that represent your relationship
4. Community vows – Have your guests make promises to support your marriage
5. Extended storytelling – I can share more of your journey as a couple (the PG version, of course!)
6. Involve family members – Parents or siblings can share brief reflections or blessings
7. Moment of silence – A dedicated time for everyone present to send good thoughts your way

Beautiful Ways to Exchange Private Vows

1. First look vows – Share your personal promises during your first look, with your photographer capturing the raw emotion
2. Sunrise exchange – Wake up early on your wedding day and exchange vows as the sun rises
3. Letter exchange – Write your vows in letters to each other, to be read privately before the ceremony
4. Post-ceremony portrait session – Slip away with your photographer after the ceremony and share your personal vows then
5. Evening exchange – After everyone has gone to bed, share your vows under the stars or in your accommodation
6. Pre-wedding day – Exchange vows the day before, removing pressure from the wedding day itself
7. Anniversary promise – Save your personal vows for your first anniversary, when you’ve had time to reflect on what marriage means to you

Whatever you choose, remember that both moments—the public declaration and the private promises—can be meaningful in their own way. And I’m here to help make both exactly what you want them to be.